Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
