I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize