Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize