i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize