She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
