This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
