Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
