The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
