I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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