He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
