Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Let's paint friendship bongs
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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