This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize