WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize