After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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