hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
