Pappa wants mamma naked
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
