Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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