Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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