my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Come on in and take your pants off
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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