I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
