Only a mothe r could love this liver
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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