What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Are we still banned from the library?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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