Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
