There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
