my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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