last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
