this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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