Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
