My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
