Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
