i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
