All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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