Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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