Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
