my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
