I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
