***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
