I think my fart just growled at me.
People in love make me want to vomit
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
