She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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