Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
