Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
