I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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