Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
be right there i have to get my cape
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
