I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my shit smells like andre
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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