I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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