there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
