There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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