Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
