Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
