just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize