so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
