every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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