I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool"Â excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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