Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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