i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
