Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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